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31 December 2011 @ 03:09 pm
When I ask myself this question, I find no memory of pain endured that has been substantial enough to deem as regretted, without exaggeration undeservingly exalted on my part. In other words, nothing, without an extreme search through memory - dissecting each to ridiculous ends - has been regretted. 2011 has been a extremely productive year. I was unjustly forced to withdraw from all of my aspirations for the past two years, only to regain my freedom and exceed self-expectation by finding new motivation and dedication to my studies, my professional life, my health and fitness, my interests in arts, and my personal morality (relationship with self and higher self, and God.) I have slipped on my morality this year a couple of times, with extreme consequence resulting. The Bible says that we should be weary if no consequence results, for those without are not children of God. As my relationship with Brian ends, I seem to be searching my mind creating the idealistic subject with similar qualities and interests - save his gemini insanity, impossible to tame. I have realized many of his qualities - lack of respect, lack of compassion for the state of the other, innately disgusting sexuality that can be sensed, animalistic behaviors, lack of a giving character (unless expecting much in return.) I am OVERwhelmed with exhaustion from the give, give, give and take, take, take interactions. Constantly, I cleaned up after him; cooked dinner without any appreciation shown; maintained a beautiful living environment that was much larger than needed; worked at a miserable job waiting tables, serving the heavily obese and repetitively enduring their enormous ego that manifests through the underlying, supressed anger they feel due to an inflamed liver. It feels good to vent my pent-up frustration regarding my recent past. I ask God to protect him from evil, and wish nothing but love and happiness to find him. As for my own well-being, I feel that I must resort to a small period of solitude to regain the self identity that has been trampled by the constant lack of true passion and appreciation for my efforts during a rigorous relationship. Although, I will admit that breaking away from this man draws a bit of fear into my heart. I know that this is an incorrect emotion to manifest, because fear will never lead us to true happiness. Only by letting go of our fear, may we all acheive peace in the heart. I will ask God to bring me a gentleman, will similar raising, who appreciates family and the roles of the genders. The lack of personal hygeine I have seen recently brings me to the conclusion that hygeine is of the utmost importance in a significant other. Now, without focusing so much on another, due to my recent codependence that has risen (and must be cut away,) I will say that I am proud of the woman I have become thus far. I feel that perhaps I need to learn to love myself first, before seeking out another to fulfill my dream of a lasting relationship and close family. I have completed my associates degree in physics and begin my engineering classes in January. Not only do I view this an an excellent acceleration of my professional life, but a growth of brain capability and increase in analytical creative thinking. I begin my new career Tuesday, I have not been this excited over a position in quite some time, since I acquired the position at the hospital in 2009. I will gain vital experience that is sure to give me the edge I need to secure a top-paid position after graduation. Fate shines on the paths of future endeavors, and I have chosen the brightest road. Destiny shall seal the myterious ends that are sure to come. I am exceedingly excited over both. My friend and colleague has suggested that this journal will assist me in rediscovering the lost heart that has endured this year. I believe he was correct, I am feeling much better already.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
31 December 2011 @ 12:21 am
Through extensive research of ancient texts, such as Tibetan Book of the Dead, ancient egyptian teaching rituals, priesthood rituals, etc; the physiology and anatomical design of the pineal gland; personal encounters with experienced DMT users; interviews with a close friend, whom I fully trust with no skeptism, describing lucid dreaming and its effects; near-death experiences; third-eye knowledge; and a variety of journals and other studies, I firmly believe without even a slight doubt that this realm of existence is in fact a lower level dimension, and that the human INDIVIDUAL holds an IMMENSE amount of power within his/her mind.  Such great power we hold in our thought.  Thought manifests in reality.  The bonds and synchronicities are REAL.  I firmly believe this.  Lucid dreaming is a way to allow the mind to learn to manifest its thoughts into a perceived normal reality.  Be it through physicality, emotional experience, sensuality, spiritual experience, etc.  The mind is the greatest power in our world.  We can control our entire lives by conquering the mind and controlling our thought processes.  Their are beings who will come to you in REM lucidity.  They can help you, but you must not be afraid of them.  Fear will render the progress made useless, and a repetition must follow in order to excel.  They will show you exactly how to control your dreams through grave control of the mind.  Extensive exercises and interactions occur.  What I say is true.  They exist, it is up to you, your love for self, your acceptance of self and actions, and your projection of these onto others can increase your probability to experience such.
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
30 December 2011 @ 11:50 pm
A close friend of mine said that it may be healthy and helpful to reidentify by posting in a journal..  I felt he was right, that this would be an excellent way for me to gather my thoughts and decipher the massive amounts of information processed and intently analyzed from occurrances during daily life.  We must not lose ourselves in the busy, crowded, claustrophobic mass identity that is being formed. My soul yearns for solitude and the industrious spark of isolation.  The peaceful existence by eliminating distraction from the internal.  As a grow older, I find it increasingly difficult to connect with others on any level other than a mildly superficial. I dislike this greatly, and it is somewhat intimidating.  The new year is approaching, quickly how time passes by.  I make an effort daily to enjoy the life that is passing.  The widespread and rapid increase of technology has germinated the seed that will destroy natural human emotion.  Terrifying imagery.  The connectivity of the masses is becoming increasingly unbearable to witness.  This is an evil that has not yet shown its lurking face, but I feel its presence, and may we be shocked by the digression of generations to come.  As for generations that have passed, a wave of decadence, then proficiency.  I ask God to grant me my only wish.  My thoughts are no longer my own.  I must stop this before the damage is imprinted onto my psyche - drastically influencing my analytics, conscientiousness, mannerisms, and softness that was unique to a refined heart, refined by deflating torment by maintaining a dispassionate, constant discernment - only to be followed by a strenuous struggle to rectify.  When one loses their self through another's impatience, selfish conceit, lack of emotional stability, and an unwavering need for constant attention by allowing their natural qualitities to put them in harm's way, through the heart, it is disgusting.  The manipulative, yet unconscious, need to fuel to the mind's level of satisfaction; the gruesome, limitless selfishness.  It is the most damaging thing to a being of a endlessly giving nature.  Yet, heart remains strong.  The heart may endanger the growth of the spirit.  Spirit is declining, and I find myself seeking out the qualities that once manifested frequently.  Astray.  Lost.  Victimized through constant pleas and residual offers, I allowed myself to stay.  No longer.  "In solitude, where we are least alone."

It is my time to find what I left behind.  The year holds opportunity, adventure, travel, and financial gains.  The absense of love will be an excellent struggle to undergo for a woman who may be on a fine wire treading between codependence and independence of the mind.  I must set it free.
Current Mood: restlessrestless