When I ask myself this question, I find no memory of pain endured that has been substantial enough to deem as regretted, without exaggeration undeservingly exalted on my part. In other words, nothing, without an extreme search through memory - dissecting each to ridiculous ends - has been regretted. 2011 has been a extremely productive year. I was unjustly forced to withdraw from all of my aspirations for the past two years, only to regain my freedom and exceed self-expectation by finding new motivation and dedication to my studies, my professional life, my health and fitness, my interests in arts, and my personal morality (relationship with self and higher self, and God.) I have slipped on my morality this year a couple of times, with extreme consequence resulting. The Bible says that we should be weary if no consequence results, for those without are not children of God. As my relationship with Brian ends, I seem to be searching my mind creating the idealistic subject with similar qualities and interests - save his gemini insanity, impossible to tame. I have realized many of his qualities - lack of respect, lack of compassion for the state of the other, innately disgusting sexuality that can be sensed, animalistic behaviors, lack of a giving character (unless expecting much in return.) I am OVERwhelmed with exhaustion from the give, give, give and take, take, take interactions. Constantly, I cleaned up after him; cooked dinner without any appreciation shown; maintained a beautiful living environment that was much larger than needed; worked at a miserable job waiting tables, serving the heavily obese and repetitively enduring their enormous ego that manifests through the underlying, supressed anger they feel due to an inflamed liver. It feels good to vent my pent-up frustration regarding my recent past. I ask God to protect him from evil, and wish nothing but love and happiness to find him. As for my own well-being, I feel that I must resort to a small period of solitude to regain the self identity that has been trampled by the constant lack of true passion and appreciation for my efforts during a rigorous relationship. Although, I will admit that breaking away from this man draws a bit of fear into my heart. I know that this is an incorrect emotion to manifest, because fear will never lead us to true happiness. Only by letting go of our fear, may we all acheive peace in the heart. I will ask God to bring me a gentleman, will similar raising, who appreciates family and the roles of the genders. The lack of personal hygeine I have seen recently brings me to the conclusion that hygeine is of the utmost importance in a significant other. Now, without focusing so much on another, due to my recent codependence that has risen (and must be cut away,) I will say that I am proud of the woman I have become thus far. I feel that perhaps I need to learn to love myself first, before seeking out another to fulfill my dream of a lasting relationship and close family. I have completed my associates degree in physics and begin my engineering classes in January. Not only do I view this an an excellent acceleration of my professional life, but a growth of brain capability and increase in analytical creative thinking. I begin my new career Tuesday, I have not been this excited over a position in quite some time, since I acquired the position at the hospital in 2009. I will gain vital experience that is sure to give me the edge I need to secure a top-paid position after graduation. Fate shines on the paths of future endeavors, and I have chosen the brightest road. Destiny shall seal the myterious ends that are sure to come. I am exceedingly excited over both. My friend and colleague has suggested that this journal will assist me in rediscovering the lost heart that has endured this year. I believe he was correct, I am feeling much better already.
Current Mood: optimistic